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Stepping in Today

                                                                  With Laura Vomvos

  The Monkey in the Middle and Dodge Ball

Sitting back reflecting on games we learned to play during childhood, there were two games I really disliked.  Monkey in the Middle was a game where two or more people would throw the ball around over the head of this poor kid that stood in the middle trying aggressively to catch it. I thought it was rather mean, and had no good reason.   As we got older, we welcomed the introduction of Dodge Ball.  Now, that’s progress – we decided not to leave the poor kid in the middle, but rather, with all of our might, wail the ball at the bodies of others with the full intent of hitting them and knocking them out of the game.  I was never a big fan of either of these games. As an adult I try to process this theory, and continue to refrain from the games that imitate such behavior.

       So, what in the world does this have to do with my stepfamily column this month?  It’s simple.  Our children did not sign up to be the monkey in the middle.  Infact,  I highly doubt they wanted the divorce at all.  Too often, they are stuck playing this game unwillingly because the adults involved have made it so. 

     Time after time they are stuck dodging the verbal throws that one parent aims at the other in an effort to make the hit, or they are playing the monkey while a parents casts their wants and needs into the open air without the ability to look down and see who might be listening, and hurting in the middle.

     As a parent of divorce it is our job to lead by example.  It is our duty to look at the needs of our children and do what is right, for THEM.  Your war doesn’t matter, and it shouldn’t, at least not in the open space provided above your childs head.  What should matter is the quality love and care you give your children daily.   Did they see you smile at their milestones today?  Did they hear you cheer at their wrestling match, or coach at their baseball games?  Did they hear you clap at their dance recital, or watch you eating with delight the brownies they just baked for you?  Or are you too stuck in your game to realize it isn’t a game at all?

       Time is the greatest gift you can give your children.  Healthy involvement in a childs life pays off in measures.  As it stands, we share our children half the time with their other biological parent.  Therefore, the time that you have to impact on their lives is already cut in half – make it the best time spent.  Be there for them at their sporting events, share their hobbies and participate in their education.  Know their friends, learn their interests, and teach them their values.

      The dodge balls will come, but duck them.  If you recall, to actually win at that game it didn’t matter who knocked the other player out at all.   The one who caught the ball and held it was the one left standing.  Let it be your children who are left standing, as they go forward to becoming successful  well adjusted adults,  all because the win did not matter as much as the prize you already have.

Write me at steppingintoday@aol.com

Stepping forward in 2010

I like to take time before the new year begins and reflect on what I have learned in the year prior. I ponder over things I can do differently and change positively in the New Year.  My big blended family had lots of growth this year, a few trials, a few challenges, a few wins and a few losses.  With each day we learn new insight into the lives of those we love, what we can bear, what we can’t, and how to put in place - and sometimes even remove, the boundaries we build around us. This year I have had to deal with obstacles that left me having to reaffirm my commitment to this column.  I’ve often said, “My family isn’t perfect, so why am I writing?” Then I realized, it is because we are not perfect that I do write.  It is for  all of those imperfect blended families that are struggling through this together. Those that have to deal with the off-balance life of  stepfamily.  Those that live sharing their lives with more than one parental viewpoint. The days when you think you should have put up some walls to better protect your feelings.  Days when you think you’ve put out far more than the job called for, and maybe in the wrong direction. Days when you emotionally go from being overjoyed to overspent, but must continue to keep it going.   Without taking you all through the perfect blend of chaos and love here is what I will share as my personal blended family lessons heading into 2010;

·        Loving someone doesn’t mean you are always going to love all their choices.  Love them anyway.

·        There is beauty in noise, because silence means absence.

·        Respect  and love for oneself and your spouse is the best gift you can give your children to witness.

·        How you treat others is reflective, it will be mirrored by your children.

·        A kiss is a just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh, but they can tell and feel the difference.

·        Spending time with family must come before text messages, emails, and facebook.  Adding, in my opinion, you may not defriend your parent on Facebook.

·        Highs and Lows at the dinner table shall go on to annoy the children for the next decade, but you will keep communication open.

·        Family time is the most precious gift we can give to one another

·        Affection, Admiration, Thoughtfulness, Respect, Love, Loyalty and Friendship can be seen  and felt, far more than it can ever be heard.

Finally in closing, I want to share with all of you the definition of the word Step and how perfectly it fits into the realm of things. 

A Step is;

a movement made by lifting the foot and setting it down again in a new position, accompanied by a shifting of the weight of the body in the direction of the new position, as in walking, running, or dancing.

So for the New Year,  I wish all of you stepmoms, stepdads and stepsiblings the ability to make that movement of step in whatever direction needed to keep your family walking, running and dancing to the tune of its very own drum…as offbeat as we may be. 

Happy New Year.

Stepping in Today

                      With Laura Vomvos

Sharing our love during Christmas……..

For stepfamilies, the word sharing takes on a whole new meaning as the holidays approach.  While others share gifts, food and sentiments, we share our greatest gift of all, we share our children.

 During the holiday season I feel the need to toughen up my spirit and know that this year I may have a turkey alone, or for three, or six, or nine.  I’m never completely sure how many of our children will dine with us Thanksgiving day.   Your average stepfamily has to alter their holidays knowing that some days are shared with their children, while other days we are without.  This doesn’t get easier with time, most especially during this blessed season.  While we are used to the flexible schedules and the joint custodial ways of every day life, the holidays always seem to shine a spotlight right on that empty feeling if it happens to be our turn to celebrate without our full family.    As a child of divorced parents, my schedule was Christmas Eve with moms family and a visit to Dads for Christmas Day.  As I got older things changed, I had family of my own, and magically at the same time my parents matured enough to foster a friendship that allowed for all of us to dine at the same table and share the spirit of Christmas together.  While I am so grateful for that, it is certainly the exception and not the rule.

Our family has managed to create a system that works for us.  On Christmas Eve all of our children are with their other biological parent and loved ones. My husband and I spend the night wrapping presents, last minute shopping and visiting friends.  I suppose we should be grateful for little time we have apart from them… but somehow when the lights are shining and the Christmas Carols playing, we just can’t grasp that feeling of gratitude. 

My girls come home either very late that evening or early the next morning and share all their gifts and excitement.  If they come home in the evening, I try to get them to go to bed as late as possible so that they don’t wake up too early the next morning.  That is because we await the arrival of my stepchildren. I am always hopeful that they will arrive bright and early before the others awake, so that it seems like we all wake up together.  How they hate it when I make them all, one at a time, take turns opening gifts. I don’t think they realize that we’ve been waiting for all of them patiently for the past 24 hours.  I’m savoring this family time together and thankful that our Christmas can now begin. We all have breakfast together and I feel joy. At 3:00 my big dysfunctional family of approximately 50 arrive to celebrate Christmas, My Mom and stepfather, My dad and stepmother, my brothers, brother in law, and stepbrothers, my stepsisters, half sister and sisters in law, along with my precious nieces and nephews in droves…all under one roof, but all together, for it is our time to have Christmas, as we truly have learned how to “share” our love at Christmastime.

So, in the spirit of the holiday season, I would like to send special hugs out to all of those parents who have to spend some or all of their holidays without their children, so that they can share their childs love with their other parent.  It isn’t an emptiness that can easily be filled, but one that can be softened just knowing that there are thousands of others out there, just like you.

 Love and Gods Blessings for a very Merry Christmas.

Stepping In Today…

                             With Laura Vomvos

The Path of the Wicked Stepmother

Once again we have a creative movie production company releasing a new horror film entitled “Stepfather”. You know, the one in which the evil stepfather plots against every family member.  It never ceases to amaze me how we struggle to get away from this stereotypic thought process, only to be returned to it daily in our films, fairytales and clinche’s.

     As I sat in my office one day I had to interject my opinion when I heard someone say “They were treating me like a stepchild” only to have another correct it and say “Yeah, the red-headed stepchild”.  I proudly arose from my desk to exclaim that those comments were giving me a bad name.  After all, my stechildren are treated exceptionally well.  Infact, I have been accused by my own biological children of saving the best meals for them, and baking brownies only when they are home with us.  Well, there is a slight truth to that, but it isn’t that I save it for them, or withhold it from my own, it is simply that I plan special meals and treats when we can all enjoy it together as a family.

    So, I have a theory as to the path of the Wicked Stepmother.  She wasn’t born that way.  No, she was created.  You see, there is a story before Cinderella.  Prior to marrying Cinderella’s father, I am convinced that this same woman was Snow White.  When Snow White moved into the home of her former husband she was granted the pleasure of the seven little dwarfs running around.  It wasn’t long before she realized that Sneezy left his tissues everywhere and she was the one expected to clean them up, and get his medicine when he was up all night with allergies.  Grumpy walked by her without even so much as saying hello.  Doc was a  know-it-all and questioned everything she did.  Happy left his sporting equipment all over, causing Dopey to trip and fall over it - none of the dwarfs picked anything up.  Bashful wasn’t really a problem but didn’t speak to her much at all, and Sleepy stayed out late, had her up all night worrying and slept until noon the next day.  Finally, having felt unloved and unappreciated she moved out and met Cinderella’s dad.   Cinderella was a really sweet girl but she didn’t have a chance. Those seven dwarfs did that stepmother in, and this time she had zero tolerance.  So, the moral of the story is; the stepmother and the stepfather are not wicked.  They are placed in a situation that teeters between the parent relationship and the building of a friendship.  While, need I add, that all the while everything done is inspected by the outside force of the other bio-parent.  (I believe she held an apple to her at some point, but will write that out of my script for now).  Sometimes they even wonder if they truly are running their household at, as it certainly was not without outside interference.  The path to the Wicked Stepmother is a long one, and one full of boundaries and efforts that far exceed that of the intact family unit. A path in which I quickly claim my space, so I never journey that far to the wicked side! With that in mind, I ask you all to rethink the stepparent persona, give us respect and love we deserve and watch how quickly that is returned. 

    Now, I know I have a movie in the making here.  Any co-writers care to join me?

Stepping out until next month.  Write me at Steppingintoday@aol.com

Stepping in with “Group Rates”!

September 16^th was National Stepfamily Day.  The acknowledgement of the stepfamily grows in numbers each day, yet I find it bizarre that there are so many entities that refuse to accommodate this growing blend of family.  I baked brownies to celebrate “us”.

We’ve been planning a vacation for over a year.  That is how long it takes us to save airfare for a family of nine.  Infact, before we actually plan anything we look into our options.  First, I thought how great it would be to take advantage of a cruise.  After all, it is “fun for the whole family”.  Having children ranging in age from 21 to 3 we need that sort of thing.  However, in talking to three different representatives I found out that we have too many to accommodate in a cost efficient way.  I assumed the nine of us could squeeze into three cabins.  One small problem, they did not allow more than two per cabin on that ship.  Let’s see, four cabins, and the toddler sleeps alone? Not going to work for this family.  I found a ship that would squeeze up to four in a room, providing that an adult was present in each one...So, if I could only get one more child to reach the age of 21 before our trip, we could do it.  Years down the road, I hope to remember that great “deal”.

So here it is, our big trip – we are taking advantage of the time share we own that accommodates eight.  Yes, the 3 year old sleeps with us on these trips. We take our bi-annual time share and bank it to exchange.  It never works as you wish.  You wish you could go somewhere warm and sunny with crystal waters and soft sand..but somehow Vegas seems to be the only place with availability this year.  I capitalize on this moment.  We shall go and make it the week of  New Years Eve.  The kids will see Vegas,the bright lights and the fireworks as we bring in the New Year together.  Now, getting there is the next task.   We usually drive to most vacation places (in 2 or 3 cars) but this is too far.  So, I go online to search for the cheapest airfare I can find. To think about airfare for nine  makes us break out in a sweat.   I head to my computer.  I type in all sorts of great websites; Travelocity, Expedia, Cheap Tickets, Jet Blue, Southwest…I’m at it for hours. What is the problem?  There is not a single website that will let me reserve for more than 8 people.  Some, and I won’t mention names, actually restrict you to 6.  Do I chance it and reserve and go back in and try to quickly reserve again?  I might, but then it may end up some of my children are alone on the next flight.  I think not. My only option?  I have to contact sales for group rates. We’re not a family, we’re a “group”.  The same wonderful walls are hit when trying to attend a function, a concert, or even reserve a seating for dinner in restaurants.  Note to large families- call the resort you are staying in and make reservations for your large “group” months before getting there, otherwise, you will find yourselves eating at the buffet every night.

Stepfamilies are not counted in the United States by the Census Bureau, in spite of the fact that 1300 new stepfamilies are formed every day.  I say, get with the program.  This is nothing new.  I came from a divorced family and had a stepfamily at a young age.  While it certainly was not my American dream, I divorced and re-married a wonderful man with another three children.  Help me out here, will you?  My family can’t go to a movie unless we are really early, getting nine seats in a row.  Oh, we have tried to buy those on line ...but again, “group rates” apply. 

Stepfamilies are not addressed, assessed and counted---further catapulting those who live in and lead our society in the quagmire of ignorance.  The numbers tell the story. 

Stepping Out until next month.  Question/Comments?  Email me at steppingintoday@aol.com

Stepping In With Summer…(Some Are)

                          By Laura Vomvos

Summer has a whole new meaning to me as the kids grow older.  Summer seems to equate to “some are” because some are here, and some are there, infact with seven, they are everywhere.

 Having a big happy family in a stepfamily situation is something that takes time and effort. Once you reach that comfort zone it truly is family, and when anyone is missing, there’s a void.

Summer brings so many activites, outings, and planning with friends.  As our tribe grows older there is no such thing as fun for the whole family.  What is fun at age 21  is not the same if you’re 3.  Each child at their different stages and ages have their own set of friends and their own set of plans they wish to make.  Oddly enough, their parents aren’t part of those plans.

I’m sure many large families experience this, but I find it even more a challenge in a stepfamily.  For those of us that share our children, we are already scrambling to fill the gap in time spent together.  After all, joint custody means there is another parent looking to share that time as well.  We miss a few days a week as it is. So, as the invitations roll in and the plans are being made we realize - this is the age of letting go just a little of all we have grown accustom to.  Some are heading to the beach with friends, some are still attending the never ending graduation parties, some are going to the late night movies, others are attending wrestling camp, summer theatre,  spending time with boyfriends and girlfriends, or participating in the never ending pattern of baseball practices and games that exist with our gang.

There are nights I cook for the invisible group of nine, and there are nights I prepare nothing for the same tribe and they all show up.  While I fully enjoy summer it wouldn’t be truthful if I said that the control I usually feel in our daily routine isn’t missed.

While I embrace this time and season of the year, I want to send out the reminder that family comes first.  We need to continue to make the home the priority. So gang, here’s the deal;  I will not skip family dinner every night of the week.  AND, on the night that I get your full attention we WILL talk about your friends, we WILL talk about your plans, we WILL discuss our “high’s and our low’s” of the day…not because I’m a pest, or a facebook stalker of your privacy, or an invasion of your space...or a nosey overbearing parent, but simply because I’m you’re mom (or stepmom in some cases) and I love you.

Stepping In and Stepping Forward with Our Graduates

This month my family has a lot to celebrate.  Besides all seven children moving forward, we have some special moves to make.  My 5^th grade daughter moves up to Middle School, or as we called it “Jr. High”. The twins are moving up to High School, and the larger step for many, is our senior who will graduate this year.

With each celebration we are taken back to memories of our own childhoods.  I’m sure we can all recall moments during these periods in our lives that have shaped who we are.  It feels not so long ago, when infact, it has been decades. 

When I look back I often wonder how each decision affected who I am today.  I yearn for the friendships of yesteryear that were so real and easy to maintain.  The time where effortless bonds were created without knowing, and  flourishing foundations built without effort.  It stands to reason that these moments are never really appreciated until we are here, in our “parent” years, seeing the world through the eyes of our children.

They say we learn from our mistakes, and surely we do.  We only wish we could

pave the way for our children by taking those lessons and applying them in fast forward motion to the paths they choose, so that the tough lessons aren’t thrown their way.  But, we can’t.   So as we wish our seniors well and set them on their way, we hold their hearts forever and let go of their hands.  While I’m no great creator of the right path in romance (obviously, or I wouldn’t be writing a column on remarriage and stepfamilies- had I gotten it right the first time) and my present career in real estate was not even part of my college plans when majoring in business, there are some words tried and true that they can take with them.  So seniors, these are for you;

Show me your friends, and I’ll tell you who you are.   Simple words of wisdom that help you understand that you need to choose the right people to surround yourself with.   Your friends are a reflection of you, be sure you choose well, and associate with those that best emphasize the positive attributes you already display.

Stand for Something or you’ll fall for anything.  Peer pressure doesn’t cease when you leave high school.   Truth be told, peer pressure will exist well into adulthood. You need to know when to stand for what you believe in, when to act on it, and when to walk away.  Don’t drink and drive, even if you’re 50.  Infact, lets take that one step further-don’t even drink and talk, if you can help it!

If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.  Do not give up if things get tough, it’s the old saying of “try, try again”.  Know that you are at the place everyone else has been and it won’t be easy, but it will get easier.  Do your best, and your best will be good enough.

Relationships are like glass.  Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.  I just have to address the dating drama. If it is taking up all you have to give, and efforts are huge and returns are small, it is time to leave it broken!  Don’t let a relationship define you, define yourself – and then find your relationship that is supportive of the wonderful you. (Yes, I figured this out at 43) J

As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it's leaning against the right building. In your future employment, find the office with the co-workers you respect and admire.  Being happy in your environment is a great step towards future success.  Choose well those you affiliate yourself with, as reputation is everything.

Don’t go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands.  This is a simple reminder that it is better sometimes to give than to receive.  It is often by helping others that we get our greatest rewards.  Give of your time to the less fortunate if you feel the desire.  Charity work builds character.

In closing, I’m reminded of the lyrics that I gave to my oldest daughter, now in her 4^th year of college, on her high school graduation day.

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance…I hope you dance

Congratulations Class of 2009!

Stepping In Today…

 By Laura Vomvos

Stepping into spring, I was reminded of Easter being on the way.  How sweet  it was when my youngest daughter asked, “Mom, when is Easter?” on the morning after Valentines Day.  I had a feeling it wasn’t because she wanted to go to church.  Right behind that it followed, “because I need some games for the Wii in my basket”.  A brief pause and then “and I’m going to ask dad for games for my PSP.  Nice, I thought.  We’ve gone from Jesus, to chocolate bunnies, to technology games that cost a bundle.  This Easter I’m going out to search for the big golden egg.  After all, there must be one hidden somewhere with a whole lot of cash in it that the kids just haven’t told me about.

The thought of overcompensating comes to mind. Now, I’m sure this doesn’t apply only to stepfamilies.  We live in a world of very well off children.  As parents, we are all broke, but our children, they are very well off.  In the blended family we have some extreme situations.  While everyone is feeling bad for the children of the “broken home” what they don’t realize is that our guilt of “broken” has turned into “broke”.  It isn’t a competition, it is a matter of circumstance.

Having two families provides some nice fringe benefits.  Our children have two Christmas’s, followed by two Easters, and somewhere in the vicinity of three to four birthdays.  Let’s see, Mom has a party with the family, but can we fit the friends?  Hence, a separate party with the friends.  Dad must have a party of his own, so now we are on three, but who’s counting?  Mind you, we also bake cupcakes for school for our child that has a birthday with the audacity not to fall on a weekend.

We don’t mean to complicate things, but as I see it, by the time our children are married they will need four Christmas’s.  Christmas Eve for one parent, Christmas day for the other, the day after Christmas for the inlaws, and if the inlaws happen to be divorced with the statistics today...you guessed it, the eve before the day before the day after Christmas.

Our gifts have gone from board games to “anything for me not to be bored” games. Monopoly and Scrabble to IPODS and flat Screens, cellphones and laptops.  I’ll never forget when my husband went out and purchased a motorcycle for the twins birthdays when they turned 8.  I got a call from their mom asking me when the airplane was arriving.  I quickly realized she was on to the overcompensation rule.  I’m just as guilty of breaking the overcompensation rule myself, as is my ex who is still searching for the promised pony.

In a  world of economic instability, it is time to start joining efforts. I want to thank Party Express on Main in East Islip for hosting my daughters only 11^th birthday party.  I combined our dysfunctional family, the family of the ex, and the friends, all under one roof.  It was a great time had by all in a nice neutral setting.  You see, the boundaries are in place, and while relationships are cordial, there is still a discomfort to joining one another in the family home.   If you have a cooperative relationship, ask the other bio parent to contribute half if the gift is going to be elaborate.   It is amazing what can be accomplished when two bright minds come together on behalf of the children.  A laptop can be bought for $300 and each parent can pay $150 instead of  one parent going all out for a $300  laptop, and the other parent reaches for the $200  IPOD Shuffle.  The only gift a child really needs is the constant love and support of their parent.   Not to mention, teaching the value of a dollar is a gift in itself.  When  parents are divorced, but can communicate well for the sake of the children, it is the greatest gift of all.

 We need to xplain to our children that the money tree in the yard has been uprooted.  Lets start introducing them to tag, tree climbing, hopscotch and kickball.  For the older ones, what is wrong with board games I ask?  How about free on demand movies and popcorn at home?  Better yet, how about some quality family time just talking to me, your mom, who spends all this money to see you smile.  I’m a fun person, try me.

        In closing, a special note to my own children who are having birthdays this month, Happy Birthday Amanda, Marisa and Joey, I love you, but no… you aren’t getting laptop.

Stepping out until next time!